Goodbye

Saturday, February 2nd, 2008

I’ll try to be nice as much as possible sa letter na ito. So please, wag mo gawing rason ito na umiyak pa ulit.  I can’t make you stop crying by giving us one more chance, I’m really sorry at hindi ko kayang pilitin ang sarili ko.

Wag ka ng umiyak. Diba, Sabi mo sa akin noon pag iiyak pa ako di mo ako papansinin. Pero umiiyak pa rin ako, instead hinahug mo ko. So here I am trying to return the favor. Naappreciate ko man lahat ng nagawa mo at nagpapasalamat ako sa lahat ng pagmamahal na naipakita mo. Hindi ko naman idedeny. Minahal din naman kita noon. Absent ako for 2 weeks noong dumating ako dito. Iyak, kain, tulog  at inom lang gawa ko. Hindi ko maintindihan bakit you choose to let me go. Oo nga nagsama tayo for 2 months, inignore mo  naman ako for almost 4 months. My god! Di mo ba alam kung gaano kasakit yun? 2 weeks pa lang yun tin! Para akong gago na nagaantay ng text from you nagmamakawa sa cellphone ko na tumunog! Pero wala. Ni kamusta wala. Masakit na masakit na masakit na masakit yun. Tapos bigla ka lang tatawag, what do you expect from me matuwa sa ginawa mo? Tama na nga ito. Lam mo dapat yun na, kakagamot lang ng sugat sa buhay ko, tapos nakaya mong gawin sa akin yun. You’ve already done enough damage sa buhay ko. Don’t push it. Masama ang kalalabasan ng pinipilit na bagay, diba? Lam mo yan. Ayoko isipin na my only memories of you puro disappointment, frustrations at galit.

Sa lahat ng babae na nakilala ko, ikaw yung isa sa pinakarational. You always have reasons for everything in a logical way. Namana ko nga ata sayo yan. Look at yourself, nawala na ang sense of reasoning mo. You are fabricating stories that didn’t even happen to us. Nagiging delusional ka na (I don’t mean this in a bad way). When I was crying on your shoulder you said “Everything happens for a reason” What happened to us or between us have its reason. We should learn from it. Look at yourself in front of the mirror, maganda ka, kaya nga you were My Angel diba?  Matalino, mabait, mapagmahal, sweet, at maalaga. My point here is, hindi ka mahirap mahalin at hindi ka mauubusan ng magmamahal sayo. Alam ko naman sino nanligaw at nanliligaw sayo. Be smart and don’t hesitate to hold on and love. Sometimes we need to gamble to deeply know what really things are, not just relying on what we think or see the reason for it. Anyways, open your world. Someday, you’ll be able to say na “Gago  nga si Boo!”

3 years? Almost na nga. Iba na ang mundo ko ngayon, at alam ko ganun din sayo. Isipin mo nga pag andyan ako, tapos comfort kita at patatahanin, iba na ang meaning nun, diba? Ayoko na magkaroon ka ng idea na there’s more to us other than what we are now. Ayokong umasa ka. Naiintindihan mo ba ako? You need to let go tin. I beg you, please let go. Ayoko ding nahihirapan ka and don’t dream na kaawaan kita, tingnan mo buhay ko ngayon dahil sa awa. Gusto mo bang kaawaan kita? You don’t want that, trust me.

This will be my last email to you. Please stop crying, parang nagsisisi ako na received ko call mo.

Take care! Uwi ka na ha.

-o- Excess thoughts -o-

Since he won’t write anymore, I posted his last email, So he can say "nawawala nga sense of reasoning ko….. adding Delusional at Damaging to that"

I’ll Be There For You

Tuesday, January 29th, 2008

I’ll Be There For You - Aiza Seguerra

When you wake up each mornin’
and you feel like callin’
I’ll be there for you
When the road seems uncertain
And you can’t stop the hurtin’
I’ll be there for you
When there’s no one beside you
I’ll be there to guide you
Catch you each time you fall
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

When the world is unkind
And your dreams they need more time
I’ll be there for you
If the rules they keep breakin’
And the future is fadin’
I’ll be there for you
The rainbow will end in the palm of your hand

Don’t ever let it go
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

Who knows where we’ll go
What will tomorrow bring
When we have each other
Just hold on tight
We can touch the skies and fly……

I’ll be there for you….

The rainbow will end in the palm of your hand
Don’t ever let it go
When the stars won’t shine anymore
I’ll be there….

I’ll be there….

Bad Choices

Monday, January 28th, 2008

January 25, 2008. About 1740H.

"I thought you’re staying behind"

"It’s a free ride home!" Boo takes the backsit of the Van.

"Oh ok!"

"Yeah." while tapping his hand on the empty space beside him.

"You’re pathetic!" I throw my bag at him and sit beside him.

Then there’s silence. He’s holding a book, I’m not really here by Tim Allen.  I look down to see which part of the book  he’s reading. He push me back with his shoulder and smile.

"What?" I ask.

He smile back and turn his head away from me and gaze through the window. It’s been so long since we last shared moments such as this. I’ve been with him riding the tide of once "our lives" but I feel this one is different. I’ve got an invitaton. This must be something different.  I looked the other way. I Lift my hand and hold his hand. He didn’t pull it off. He hold back…tight. It feels like he’s been missing me.

"So what now?" He ask. "I mean, what are we gonna do?" He pull his hand back.

"Well, we could always start fresh!" I say.

"I mean the server."

"That’s what I meant, we could buy a new one. What did you think I was talking about?" I feel shame. I thought he meant about us. We could not just buy a new one? He caught me. He knows it.

"What went wrong" I ask.

"I don’t know, just got tired of faith, waiting, and waiting..I got tired waiting and the thought of you-are-with-someone-else was killing  me. You god damn know what the hell went wrong." Now I know what’s he’s talking about.

"I’m sorry….I wish I could turn back time" I whisper. He’s mad again

"Hell, sadness, too much complications, it’s like a prison, that’s how I been living my life since….I wish…" No he’s not mad.

Silence. I need to break the silence before he gets off.

"I know there’s still love in there somewhere"  I say.

"Love was never the problem" He say.

"I know" I really don’t know. I am confuse. "I’ve been wathcing House M.D lately." I add.

"And?"

"There’s this line that goes like this: So many people, so much energy and drama trying to find someone who’s almost never the right person anyway. Something like that."

"Maybe, that’s what life is all about" He always say things like there’s always a missing line, sentence or something and I have to figure out what are those pieces missing were.

"Trying to find the right person?"

" Yes…No." What?

"I’m not searching"

"I found…" I know it was a pause. But he stop there.

"Why don’t we just pretend things never happened" I am taking my chances.

"I can’t!" He say. "After you ignored me and left me, things and my life turned upside down, and I can’t bring i back to the way it was" It sounded like he’s still blaming me for what happened. That was almost 4 years ago. My god! Why can’t he just forget about it. I can’t be accountable for what happened to his life after US.

"I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep myself from blaming you all this years. This has to stop" He add.

"Sorry!  I thought then I don’t love you..I made a bad choice" I wish i could say those words with a hug to comfort and to tell him, what I said were true.

"I guess we both made some bad choices!" he say "I should have never left despite the fact that you don’t want me stay"

"Yeah, I have been thingking about that lately. So what now?" I ask. Straight question demanding a straight asnwer.

"You should start dating again, I suppose" He’s looking straght into my eyes when those words came out.

"I won’t, I will not make the same mistake again"

"This time, you and I both know, it is not a bad choice"

 I couldn’t say a word. I tried, no words came out. I whisper "I’ve got something  to tell." But he won’t even look at me. I am not sure he heard what I said.

He kiss me on the forehead and whisper "This has to stop, bye!" He gets off the van and didn’t even looked back.

-o- Excess thoughts -o-

Nothing. Only questions. This has to stop.

I’m Crazy

Friday, January 25th, 2008

Earlier today, I mean yesterday:

"… We  are having minor, random, almost negligible problems occassionally" He took a glance at me. Negligible? He shouldn’t have said that, however small, slight, microscopic, minor, or of small importance the problem is, it still deserves some respect <grin> Occassionally?  Boo talaga!

"But we were able  to coped up with any of them" He continued. Another glance

"Aside from the server that won’t boot , over all the systems are all running well…" He paused and another glance. You can never hear him say Ah between words, instead he’d paused and continue.

"We don’t know what’s wrong and hope you can you can help us out with that and…" He took a long paused and took a deep breath "..So that’s it." This time I smiled at him. Hope ka dyan! 

Boo end his 15 minutes report with those lines. Then discussions followed. We spent another 30 minutes answering all the "Systems Owner (SOs)"*** questions and another quarter of an hour jotting down the list of requirements and exchanging  suggestions and recommendations . The meeting ended. I was there for only one reason, monitor and help him out.

"What are you doing here?" Boo asked, as we walked with the SOs for the actual check-up.

"I’m also here to check and make sure you did your job, back you up if need demands it" I answered. What kind of f*cking question was that?

He just turned away and entertained the SOs.

"Are you going out with us later?" I asked.

"I can’t and I really don’t want to" He said. Why does he need to show me a not-happy-you-are-here face?

"Why? It’ll be fun!" I said.

"I don’t usually go with them, drink beers, have fun, you knew that" he said

"I’ll be there! It’ll be fun… Please? What do you expect me to do tonight? Go to my hotel room and sleep early?" I said.

"Well, you could do that" He said with an insulting smile, like he’s so happy with what he said.

I gave up. I won’t attempt to talk with him again, I said to myself. I’ve traveled a thousand miles and fought that I need to be here and this is what I get. I walked out of the building and lit a cigarette. F*ck him! Jeez..

"Sorry!" He said over my shoulder. "I don’t drink with them, you knew that"

"I don’t drink with them too! I just want to spend time with you just like what we were before…" I paused to see his reaction. "…I mean before we became US" Lumalandi na ako.

"There’s no more reason for that tin, you knew that!" He said.

"For once, treat me as Colleague!" I said.

"That’ll be hard" He said with that same insulting smile, that infuriated me.

"And for once, give up that acting normal is so damn hard crap!" I almost shouted.

He bowed his head, threw his half-done cigarette and walked away. I wanted to run after him and say I am sorry. <grin> Awkward.

Later… While we were preparing to go back to our accomodations.

"Could I do anything to change your mind?" Landi ko na talaga.

"I don’t want to, ok?" He said nicely.

"Ok, if ever you changed your mind, anytime, you know where I am." Sobrang landi ko na talaga.

"Got it!" He said.

"Do you like my blog" I said with a grin on my face.

"Rude and pointless!" He said. It’s not rude, and definitely not pointless! I wanna say that.

"Told  you I can do blog too and do it the way you do it, mine’s only in english. BTW, Got something for you" I handed him House of Sand and Fog by Andre Dubus III book.

"I already have this book" He said.

"It’s different! it’s from me and if you like you can give me yours"  I said.

"Nah! I think i’ll keep it, thanks though!"  He said.

We left.  I’m sad. Well, we will be back tomorrow, I’ll be seeing him again and flying back from where we came from on Saturday.

-o- Excess Thoughts -o-

It reads Fri 25 Jan 01:29 am on my cellphone. Just finished this entry. I hope I remembered it right. Crap! no internet here in this friggin hotel room. I need to be in the lobby, or I’ll post this tomorrow at his office. Maybe, I’ll use his computer.

No booze for me tonight…Errr Morning?. I wish he’ll come over. I keep on playing my Mp3 player/recorder.  I have recorded his whole report, I need it for my report.  I miss his voice, I miss him, a lot! I lie back hug a pillow  and try to sleep. But I don’t need a rest. I don’t feel  tired. I feel recharged. I think of what I’ve done/did/said earlier… I remember a girl friend told me once that I’m crazy and irrational when it comes to Boo.  <laughs> . . . . . <still laughing>. . . . .  <Laughing some more>.  With that, I proved her point. So?

When it comes to irrationality, I have countless reasons why I am doing it/this/that/those. Besides, if I’m crazy I don’t need to be rational, do I?

I’m crazy. Too Crazy. Maybe too crazy for him. Am I?

"Systems Owner (SOs)" - they are not really what they are as mentioned. I’m merely protecting the innocent. <laughs>

Back to me

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008

Back To Me - Cueshe

Sometimes I feel like I’m all alone
Wondering how, what have I done wrong
Maybe I’m just missing you all along
When will you be coming home back to me

There were times I felt like giving up
Haunted by memories I can’t give up
Wish that I never let you go and slip away
Had enough reasons for you to stay

Can you feel me, see me falling away (see me falling away)
Did you hear me, I’m calling out your name (calling out your name)
‘Cuz I’m barely hanging on
Baby you need to come home back to me

Sleepless nights ‘cuz you’re not here by my side
Cold as ice I feel deep down inside
Maybe I’m just missing you all along
When will you be coming home

Can you feel me, see me falling away
Did you hear me, I’m calling out your name
‘Cuz I’m barely hanging on
Baby you need to come home back to me