Wanting is better than getting

Tuesday, January 15th, 2008

"Sometimes I feel like am all alone, wondering of what have i done wrong…"

My phones ringing, at first I thought it was a dream or a music playing on a radio, but I turned off my radio last night.

"…Maybe I’m just missing you all along…"

Rolling over carefully, my feet hit the floor as I reach for my phone. It’s not there.

"… When will you be coming home back to me…"

My eyes are half close. I’m half naked. I am used to sleeping this way.  The cold morning breeze touch my body.  It’s cold, I forgot to closed the window again last night.

"… There are times i felt like giving up…"

Shut up!  I not giving up, I thought. I pull the sheets and cover myself.

"…huanted by memories I can’t give up…"

Now, where’s that damn phone.

"…Wish that I never let you go and slip away…"

Finally I grab it - under my bed.

"…Have enough reason for you to stay…"

Without knowing who’s calling, I put the phone on my ear and push the receive button.

"Hello? You could have either warned me or informed me personally?" Boo said over the line.

My eyes snap open. His voice wake me up. I lie down back to bed. Hug a pillow under the sheets. Push the options button on my cell and record the call.

"Hi Boo, Good morning!" I replied. It is nice to wake up in the morning hearing his voice. It feels like I’m hugging him right now. I’ve been there before. I missed that.

"What?" I asked.

"The memo!" He said. I think he’s drunk.

"Have you been drinking again?" I asked. I don’t really want to confront him about the memo.

"No, I have had only 4 bottles tonight" He lied.

"Boo, What time is it? Can we talk about this later?" I said.

"I want you to tell me now!" He demanded.

"What are… were you doing with your life?"

"The memo says, I should explain in the next 48 hours why I haven’t done my job" he said

"There you go. Does it have something to do with me?" I asked. It has something to do with me. I want to deny it while he’s drunk and confront him when he’s sober.

"What the…? You wrote it?" He shouted.

I couldn’t say a word.

"Talk please!" He said.

Silence. I don’t know what to say.

"Please?" he asked nicely.

"Boo, if I could only cover up you tracks, I’d do that. You knew that" I said

He’s crying. I could hear his tears.

"You’ve lose control. You report late and leave early. I received nothing on my end from you for the last 1 week and a half. What were you thinking? Do you think it’ll pass without being notice?" I said "I wrote it but I’m not the one who signed it. Check the memo again. You knew how our kind of job works."

"I know you’ re in pain now. But please don’t let it affect your job. Play online games again after office hours. Have fun, don’t drink. My goodness Boo, I knew who you were. Talk to me. Anytime. Any day. I am here for you" I added. I wish I could hug him right now.

"Just let her go. You’ve been holding on for too long. For what, 2 years? She’s not the one for you." I said.

"I can’t. I don’t know how to do it this time." He said.

"What do you want me to do?" I asked. Say it damn it. If he wants me to get a transfer. I’ll definitely do that.

"Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m just so f*cking wasted right now!" He said

"Get a hold on yourself, ok? Next month I’ll be there. Whether you like it or not" I said.

"No, you don’t have to do that. Don’t add more complications to what I have now"  He meant it. I just know.

"Boo, think about it this way: Sometimes wanting something is better than getting it. I’ve read that somewhere." I said.

"I don’t know" He said.

"Go to sleep! You still have work tomorrow. You don’t want another memo, do you?" I said.

"Ok, I’m sorry for waking you up his early. I’m going home today" he said.

"Wait today is Monday, right? People go to work on Mondays Boo!" I said.

"I have something to clear up at home today, I’ll be back on tuesday" He said

Silence.

"Thanks. Bye. I’m sorry" He said.

"Bye. Sweet dreams. Good morning…" I said. I love you.

He hang up.

-o- Excess Thoughts -o- 

"…I’ll write your explanation for you. Check your email tomorrow!" I said to myself. Well he’ll be surprised tomorrow.

He used to forget things, that includes me, by playing online games before. Maybe he got totally bored playing those games.  "I dont know how to do it this time" I wish I could have the answer to that. I want to be an answer to that. He loves her. I love him. Probably, I’d heed my own advice "Sometimes wanting something is better than getting it" Maybe not. I don’t know too. Maybe i should just let him be. Maybe I should stop calling him. Maybe…

Jeez, stop whining.

I look at my table clock. It reads January 14, 2008 - 3:34 a.m. Great. I have to spend the next hours trying to get back to sleep. I’ve had lots of trouble sleeping lately. Now, I can’t sleep. I’d better get up then. Get a coffee, watch tv, maybe later watch the sun rise. It’s a good day, at least I think that way. He called me. Definitely a good day!