Bad Choices

January 25, 2008. About 1740H.

"I thought you’re staying behind"

"It’s a free ride home!" Boo takes the backsit of the Van.

"Oh ok!"

"Yeah." while tapping his hand on the empty space beside him.

"You’re pathetic!" I throw my bag at him and sit beside him.

Then there’s silence. He’s holding a book, I’m not really here by Tim Allen.  I look down to see which part of the book  he’s reading. He push me back with his shoulder and smile.

"What?" I ask.

He smile back and turn his head away from me and gaze through the window. It’s been so long since we last shared moments such as this. I’ve been with him riding the tide of once "our lives" but I feel this one is different. I’ve got an invitaton. This must be something different.  I looked the other way. I Lift my hand and hold his hand. He didn’t pull it off. He hold back…tight. It feels like he’s been missing me.

"So what now?" He ask. "I mean, what are we gonna do?" He pull his hand back.

"Well, we could always start fresh!" I say.

"I mean the server."

"That’s what I meant, we could buy a new one. What did you think I was talking about?" I feel shame. I thought he meant about us. We could not just buy a new one? He caught me. He knows it.

"What went wrong" I ask.

"I don’t know, just got tired of faith, waiting, and waiting..I got tired waiting and the thought of you-are-with-someone-else was killing  me. You god damn know what the hell went wrong." Now I know what’s he’s talking about.

"I’m sorry….I wish I could turn back time" I whisper. He’s mad again

"Hell, sadness, too much complications, it’s like a prison, that’s how I been living my life since….I wish…" No he’s not mad.

Silence. I need to break the silence before he gets off.

"I know there’s still love in there somewhere"  I say.

"Love was never the problem" He say.

"I know" I really don’t know. I am confuse. "I’ve been wathcing House M.D lately." I add.

"And?"

"There’s this line that goes like this: So many people, so much energy and drama trying to find someone who’s almost never the right person anyway. Something like that."

"Maybe, that’s what life is all about" He always say things like there’s always a missing line, sentence or something and I have to figure out what are those pieces missing were.

"Trying to find the right person?"

" Yes…No." What?

"I’m not searching"

"I found…" I know it was a pause. But he stop there.

"Why don’t we just pretend things never happened" I am taking my chances.

"I can’t!" He say. "After you ignored me and left me, things and my life turned upside down, and I can’t bring i back to the way it was" It sounded like he’s still blaming me for what happened. That was almost 4 years ago. My god! Why can’t he just forget about it. I can’t be accountable for what happened to his life after US.

"I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep myself from blaming you all this years. This has to stop" He add.

"Sorry!  I thought then I don’t love you..I made a bad choice" I wish i could say those words with a hug to comfort and to tell him, what I said were true.

"I guess we both made some bad choices!" he say "I should have never left despite the fact that you don’t want me stay"

"Yeah, I have been thingking about that lately. So what now?" I ask. Straight question demanding a straight asnwer.

"You should start dating again, I suppose" He’s looking straght into my eyes when those words came out.

"I won’t, I will not make the same mistake again"

"This time, you and I both know, it is not a bad choice"

 I couldn’t say a word. I tried, no words came out. I whisper "I’ve got something  to tell." But he won’t even look at me. I am not sure he heard what I said.

He kiss me on the forehead and whisper "This has to stop, bye!" He gets off the van and didn’t even looked back.

-o- Excess thoughts -o-

Nothing. Only questions. This has to stop.